White vans can’t jump

These funky laws, with the nerve to restrict my ability to write and text while I’m driving? I’m really one of the few that obey, the obedient, caring about my fellow individuals. I could record in the phone or use that Dragon program, but whatever. I am driving that usual haul that many do, the 25 to 54 mile, one way, demographic to work. This commute will train your mind to focus, not wander, on specific things that annoy the system like good Adam Sandler movies (where you actually have to compliment him when he has a one. Still waiting.). For instance, when driving in downtown San Francisco, there were the buses. Battery Street can only hold one per block so, of course, there are three in a row during rush hour. You accommodate the delays with thoughts of planes, trains, and faster automobiles. In South Florida, every day is Halloween and the bus is wearing the costume of either a landscaping truck or a white van.

The streets have no name here unless they are the dignified Jose Marti or a little less dignified Jose Canseco. But the vehicle rain delays are named landscaping trucks. Firstly, all South Florida drivers do not know where they are going. GPS is not functional here unless looking for the next U-turn. So, with that challenge, landscaper trucks always have the pony carriage in the back with the equipment, making them slower. Additionally, the workers inevitably riding in the bed of the truck scream at your sense like a drill sergeant barking, “Fall back soldier!”. They are slower than molasses on the street so, if they touch tread on the highway, oy vey. Which leads to the white vans.

Why are these vehicles always in the left lane, also known as the fast lane? It’s called either irrational confidence or just dumb, usually the other. Or was white van taught at a different driving school, where the instruction is to only text and look for directions in the far left? When you see a lot of white vans on the highway, prepare for a game of 80s “Frogger”. Jump, dodge, right, right, left, straight, left, dodge. Miami loves service and the only moving object more prevalent than a White Van here is the native cockroach. Why think drugs when seeing the white van? Driving slow, making erratic moves as they reconfigure directions or just being the non-descript white van.

I never see white vans having flat tires, engine trouble, or any assortment of problem that temporarily stops their goal of impeding traffic. Landscaping trucks are always on the side of the road but usually working. For people to work outside during the summer, sweating and sun and Zika? I delay the traffic thinking how I wouldn’t last five minutes doing the same thing. The workers in the white vans are usually painting in the heat or fixing an appliance that entails listening to an idiot explain the problem then crawling into a crevice littered with rodent feces or insect wings.

Maybe landscaping trucks and white vans aren’t bad after all and, maybe, it is just a way to vent about a place where there is no reason to vent. Living in South Florida is a pleasure, even if you have to endure or enjoy it a slower than you want.